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HOW TO SIMULATE SHIPBOARD LIFE AT HOME


When commencing this simulation, remember to lock all friends and family outside, communicating only with letters that your neighbors will hold for two weeks before delivering, losing one out of every five.


Surround yourself with 300 people you don't like. People who chain smoke, fart loudly, snore like a Mack truck on an uphill road, any who use expletives in speech like kids use sugar on cold cereal are good choices for this.


Unplug all radios and televisions to cut yourself off completely from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you Time and Newsweek from last month, and a Playboy magazine with all the pictures cut out.


Don't flush the toilets for the first three days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode. After that, flush once daily.


Monitor all operating home appliances hourly, recording vital parameters (plugged in, light comes on as door opens, ect.). If not in use, log as "Secured".


Wear only approved coveralls or proper Navy uniforms. No special T-shirts or cut-offs. Even though nobody really cares, once a week clean and press one uniform and wear it for 20 minutes. After which you must change back into your coveralls.


Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time until you are bald or you look like you tangled with a demented sheep shearer.


Work 18 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time to ensure your body doesn't know or care if it's day or night.


Listen to your favorite CD six times a day for two weeks. Then play music which causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your "favorite" CD.


Cut a single bed in half length wise and enclose three sides. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting in any position (18 inches is a good height). Place a dead animal under your sheets to simulate the smell of your bunkmates sheets.


Set your alarm to go off at the "snooze" interval for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various alarms of watchstanders and night crew going off at odd times. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure that you are tossed from side to side the remaining three hours. Alternately use a custom built alarm clock that sounds like a fire alarm, a police siren and a new wave rock band combined so that you will not get accustomed to ignoring your alarm clock.


Prepare all food blindfolded, using all the spices you can grope for, to simulate shipboard food. Remove the blindfold and eat as fast as humanly possible. If the food does not stick to an inverted plate when cold, use more lard. If food contains more than one part per thousand of fiber, dispose of it. Always take more than you can possibly eat to keep up with the waste standards of the Navy.


Periodically shut off the power at the main breaker and run around screaming "fire in the main engine room!, fire in the main engine room!". Do this until you sweat profusely or lose your voice. Then restore power.


Buy a gas mask and scrub the faceplate with steel wool until you can't see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day, even to the bathroom.


Prepare yourself for an emergency that will require you to vacate the premises, knowing that if you exit, the biker gang you hired will simulate sharks and cut off your arms and legs. Study first aid for bleeding until you can quote the book verbatim.


Study the owners manual for all appliances in the dwelling. At regular intervals, take each one apart and put it back together again. Then test operate it at the extreme of it tolerances.


Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint all furnishings grey, white, or the shade of green found on hospital O.R. smocks.


To make sure you are living in a clean and happy enviroment, every week clean from top to bottom, working hard all day even if it's only a three hour job. Whenever possible, repeat your efforts. When complete, inspect your work, criticizing as much as possible. Never be satisfied with a good effort.


Once a day plug in your TV to watch a movie that you walked out on last year, and then watch an episode of "Charlies Angels" that you didn't like the first two times you saw it.


Since you have no doctors, stock up on Band-Aids, aspirin and actifed, which have been proven to cure every disease know to man.
 

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Wake up at midnight and go stand on your front porch for 4 hours. Keep a tidy neat record of all activities as mundane as they may be...

Take apart your toaster monthly and inspect for damage, even if there is nothing wrong with it.

Expect to remain in the house, in proper work attire, every third Saturday (liberty call, except for you) to take toasters apart and put them back together. Then when done, strip and re-polyurethane any wood floors...

Make sure all fire extinguishers are tagged and a checked monthly. Make sure you sign and date the tag..

When changing a lightbulb, make sure to shut off the main breaker to the house, and hang a red "do not turn on" tag on the switch. Make sure to remove the tag when the lightbulb is changed. Make sure to write down in a notebook that you are done with the tag (so you know) and then, and only then, throw it out..

Every week set condition Zebra (shut all doors and windows) and sit in your bedroom with headphones on listening to static for 3 hours...

If you have 2 sets of stairs (ladders) in your home or apartment, use one set for going up and the other set for going down..

Drink only coffee that was made yesterday. Eat grits and toast only for breakfast every fourth week. Try a little "no-name" hot sauce to spice it up. Melt brown sugar for any and all syrup needs...

When taking a shower. Turn on the water to get wet, then turn it off. Soap up, then turn on the cold water only to rinse off. Oh, dont ever take a shower without shower shoes...

If you smoke, you may only do so out in the shed every three hours. Consider chewing tobacco instead..

Call "attention on deck!" every time the wife walks by...
 

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Yeah, ...... yeah, ...........yeah,........

I can just hear you now in the nursing home: "Yeh, . . . sonny, . . . you cain't bleeve how bad shipboard life wuzzz. We went thru typhoones whur thu fo'csle went under 20 foot of water,....... we took swells that made the ship roll 45 degrees,.........had to torpedo the ice bergs ahead of us jus' so we could get thru.

"Soon as we left port,.....no more milk,..........hadda put lemon-lime kool aid on our Wheaties,..........the Coke machine only gave us an 8 oz cup for a whole nickel,......... dad gummed Hershey bars wuz a dime apiece,...... you know,........the small ones, .......... 2 oz size. An' the mail,........ why they charged us all the time we wuzzent in a holstile fire zone,...... cost a dime to send my flight pay and holstile fire pay checks home for my convertible.

"And you never in your life got as hungry as we did on the mid watch down in thu after engine room,.......... hadda survive on tuna fish heated on thu ruduction gear box,......... an' krackers. Sometimes we splurged,......... had peanut butter, jelly, and gramm krackers.

"Gosh it was tuffffffffff !"

May God bless,
Dwight NAV1 NAV1 NAV1
 
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