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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Department of the Navy
Headquarters of the United States Navy
Washington, District of Columbia, 00069-6969

To: All Personnel
Subject: Early Retirement Program PRIORITY

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department of Defense (DoD), we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under the plan, older individuals will be asked to go out early on retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger individuals who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as "RAPE" (RETIRE AGED PERSONNEL EARLY).

Individuals who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the Navy. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their personnel records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called "SCREW" (SURVEY OF CAPABILITIES OF RETIRED EARLY WORKERS).

All individuals who have been RAPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with the next higher command. This will be called "SHAFT" (STUDY BY HIGH AUTHORITY FOLLOWING TERMINATION). Under the terms of the new policy, individuals may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice. but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Navy deems appropriate.

If an individual follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get "HERPES" (HALF EARNINGS FOR RETIRED PERSONNEL'S EARLY SEVERANCES). As HERPES is considered a benifit plan, any individual who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the Navy.

The Chief of Staff wishes to ensure the younger individuals who remain on active duty that the Navy will continue it's policy to ensure that they are well trained through our "SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING" (SH**) program. The Navy takes pride in the ammount of SH** our individuals receive. We have given our sailors more SH** than any other military activity in history. If any individual feels he or she does not receive enough SH** on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to make sure that you receive all the SH** you can stand.

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