M14 Forum banner

How to Simulate Being a Sailor

1907 17
After 4 years of bouncing around the Pacific on board the USS Morton, DD948, during the '60's, this brought a tear to my eyes.
HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month using gray paint.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Lower all showerheads to four and one-half feet
off the deck.
5. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn water heater temperature up to 300 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn water heater off.
7. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they used too much water during
the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
8. Put 5W-20 lube oil in your humidifier, instead of water, and set it on high.
9. Leave your lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to maintain proper ambient noise level.
10. Once a month, disassemble all your major appliances and electric garden tools, inspect them and then reassemble them. Do this every week with your lawnmower, weed whacker and other gasoline powered tools.
11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh at him
when he curses you.
12. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
13. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
14. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
15. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 4 hours after you go
to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
16. Make each member your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house i.e., dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
17. Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for the next two years.
18. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
19. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 (6 A.M.) while she reads it to you.
20. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
22. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.
23. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle
stations.
24. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they
finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just
ask for hot dogs.
25. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
26. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
27. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top
shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.
28. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
29. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the
stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and
paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
32. Buy a trash compactor but only use it once a week. Store up garbage in your bathtub.
33. Invite at least 375 people, most of whom you don't really like, to come and live with you for about 6 months.
34. Lock-wire the lug nuts on your car wheels.
35. Start your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere, to ensure the engine is properly "lit off".
36. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
37. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
38. Have the paperboy give you a haircut with sheep shears.
39. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 1500 (3 PM).
40. Take a two-week vacation visiting the Far East, and call it "world travel".
41. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
42. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
Now, who's ready to go back to sea?
1 - 18 of 18 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
After 4 years of bouncing around the Pacific on board the USS Morton, DD948, during the '60's, this brought a tear to my eyes.
HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month using gray paint.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Lower all showerheads to four and one-half feet
off the deck.
5. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn water heater temperature up to 300 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn water heater off.
7. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they used too much water during
the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
8. Put 5W-20 lube oil in your humidifier, instead of water, and set it on high.
9. Leave your lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to maintain proper ambient noise level.
10. Once a month, disassemble all your major appliances and electric garden tools, inspect them and then reassemble them. Do this every week with your lawnmower, weed whacker and other gasoline powered tools.
11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh at him
when he curses you.
12. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
13. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
14. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
15. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 4 hours after you go
to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
16. Make each member your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house i.e., dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
17. Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for the next two years.
18. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
19. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 (6 A.M.) while she reads it to you.
20. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
22. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.
23. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle
stations.
24. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they
finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just
ask for hot dogs.
25. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
26. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
27. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top
shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.
28. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
29. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the
stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and
paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
32. Buy a trash compactor but only use it once a week. Store up garbage in your bathtub.
33. Invite at least 375 people, most of whom you don't really like, to come and live with you for about 6 months.
34. Lock-wire the lug nuts on your car wheels.
35. Start your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere, to ensure the engine is properly "lit off".
36. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
37. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
38. Have the paperboy give you a haircut with sheep shears.
39. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 1500 (3 PM).
40. Take a two-week vacation visiting the Far East, and call it "world travel".
41. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
42. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
Now, who's ready to go back to sea?
I was on the Morton '68-69. Were we shipmates?
I'll add:
Laundry-Pull buttons of your shirt and shoot 'em through your socks and use diesel as fabric softener.
Eggs-stain yellow sponges a greenish tint. Add sulfer for smell.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I was on the Morton '68-69. Were we shipmates?
I'll add:
Laundry-Pull buttons of your shirt and shoot 'em through your socks and use diesel as fabric softener.
Eggs-stain yellow sponges a greenish tint. Add sulfer for smell.
No, I separated after a extended WestPac Nov '67. Worked in Radar Ops.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,887 Posts
After 4 years of bouncing around the Pacific on board the USS Morton, DD948, during the '60's, this brought a tear to my eyes.
HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month using gray paint.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Lower all showerheads to four and one-half feet
off the deck.
5. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn water heater temperature up to 300 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn water heater off.
7. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they used too much water during
the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
8. Put 5W-20 lube oil in your humidifier, instead of water, and set it on high.
9. Leave your lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to maintain proper ambient noise level.
10. Once a month, disassemble all your major appliances and electric garden tools, inspect them and then reassemble them. Do this every week with your lawnmower, weed whacker and other gasoline powered tools.
11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh at him
when he curses you.
12. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
13. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
14. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
15. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 4 hours after you go
to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
16. Make each member your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house i.e., dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
17. Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for the next two years.
18. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
19. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 (6 A.M.) while she reads it to you.
20. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
22. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.
23. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle
stations.
24. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they
finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just
ask for hot dogs.
25. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
26. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
27. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top
shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.
28. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
29. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the
stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and
paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
32. Buy a trash compactor but only use it once a week. Store up garbage in your bathtub.
33. Invite at least 375 people, most of whom you don't really like, to come and live with you for about 6 months.
34. Lock-wire the lug nuts on your car wheels.
35. Start your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere, to ensure the engine is properly "lit off".
36. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
37. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
38. Have the paperboy give you a haircut with sheep shears.
39. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 1500 (3 PM).
40. Take a two-week vacation visiting the Far East, and call it "world travel".
41. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
42. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
Now, who's ready to go back to sea?
NWDave Tribute

Very Good I was waiting the whole list to read 42, now I know why it was last.
But could of added taping it on so you could get some sleep. :LOL:
 

· Registered
Joined
·
224 Posts
Sounds about right. I was in the Navy from 1963 until 1976 and the Army National Guard from 1976 to 1985.

The Navy recruiter didn't tell me about sleeping on the deck of an LCM-8 (Mike Boat) and eating cold C-Rats in Viet Nam.

457124


457125
 

· Registered
Joined
·
12,420 Posts
That was hilarious, best laugh all week, thanks!! I was not in the Navy but did go to sea on tugs for many years so I can certainly relate to life at sea in many ways, though obviously not being the service its not the same, but much of the experience is the same.
I can well remember one guy in particular who always took great delight in trying to make others look bad. I had dreams about "accidentally" bumping into him on deck at night and making him go for a swim while miles from the beach.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,156 Posts
I was in the Navy, nor a Marine, an Army Grunt but I laughed at all of these and I ain’t well versed either. Only time on a ship, was a troop ship and I realized then I didn’t want to be on a troop ship ever again! That was in late 80s when my company went to the Marine Corps Amphibious Warfare School at Little Creek, VA. I got pics somewhere but it sure made me appreciate what you Navy boys endured and I wasn’t on the ship perhaps a week long at best. Of course got off the ship every day and back on the same way… the cargo net in and out of a Landing Craft or whatever they were called. Great post!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
10,675 Posts
My step dad told me on one his ships his berth was right next to the opening where they checked the Fuel Oil Level. Several times a day they would open that lid & "Sound" the fuel level. Said it Stunk the whole compartment up with an Oily Stink that Stuck to you!
At the Texas Motor Speedway after taking a shower we were comenting on how cold the water was. An older gent who had been a sailor told us about the time he was showering & the ship heaved & thru him against the hull in the stall & he STUCK to it!
And anybody who's spent any time on a Sub knows what "Blowing the Head" means...Yeeech!o_O
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top