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Discussion Starter #505
i have always been asked why i did not marry.
i always say who wants 16 wifes.
4 in sickness
4 in health
4 richer
4 poorer
Lruss
 

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i have always been asked why i did not marry.
why make one woman miserable when you can make hundreds happy
 
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving with $600, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
 

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It all started in Chicago in 1923.

Joseph Dacre (day-CER) was born and raised in a devout Catholic family. Even at an early age Joe, as he was known, loved two things, to help other people and to play the trumpet made for him by his Grandfather. In 1941, Joe joined the US Army Air Forces and in 1942, he was posted to the 12th Air Force as a B-25 pilot. Joe was noted by his superiors and subordinates alike as a skillful flyer and a good leader. As a good luck charm for each mission; he carried his trumpet with him. On his 47th mission (just 3 shy of rotating back to the US), his luck ran out, his bomber was hit by flak and badly damaged. He managed to limp back to base, but the damage to the aircraft was so bad that landing would be very risky, so Joe ordered the crew to bail out over the airfield before he attempted landing. The B-25 did, in fact, crash during the landing, and would have killed or badly injure the crew had they been in the airplane. As it was, Joe lost his left arm and right eye in the crash and was shipped back to the US to convalesce. Miraculously, his trumpet was unscathed.

For most people, that would have been the end of the story, but not for Joe. He not only was ordained was a Catholic Priest and returned to service as an Army Chaplain, he became proficient at playing the trumpet with one hand and his proscethic. In 1945, Joe found himself in the Philippine Islands with the Army. It was here that Joe developed a desire to missionary work. So, after the war, Joe began missionary work, first the Philippines, and later South Africa. Even with one eye and a prosthetic arm, Joe maintained his private pilot’s license, and used his ability to fly medicine and doctors in and out of the remotest locations to the benefit of his flock. Joe became known as The Bugler-Preist. The trumpet followed Joe everywhere slung over his shoulder like an Army bugle. In addition to preaching the Word, he would entertain with trumpet and jazz tunes after lessons.

In 1956, Joe was in Mpumalanga, South Africa at the Albert Silver Mine, when there was an accident deep below the surface - a premature explosion injured some miners. With no regard for his own safety, Joe rushed to the site of the accident to help the wounded and if necessary administer last rites. Then there was another explosion and cave-in trapping Joe and many other miners. For three days, Joe and the miners were trapped in the dark mine exposed to silver dust before they were rescued. Due to the exposure to silver dust, Joe developed a severe case of argyria, which gives the skin a bluish-purple tint. More disheartening to Joe, however, was his trumpet was badly damaged.

Joe returned to the US, and St Hedwig Catholic Church in Chicago in particular. For years, Joe kept the trumpet, but it was too badly damage to play. However, after a few years he took it to a well-respected musical repair shop. The master craftsman told Joe that the trumpet was too far gone, and he probably should just get a new one. Joe explained who made the trumpet and all the places it had traveled with him. Joe said that not only was it the only trumpet he ever owned, it would be the only trumpet he ever will own. If it could not be fixed it would remain as a token to all the places Joe had been. The craftsman said he would fix the trumpet whatever it took. After two years of work, the trumpet was fixed, just as new.

Over the years, Joe would rise through the church, eventually becoming the Archbishop of Chicago. In 1978, when Pope John Paul I died, Archbishop Joseph Darce was at the Papal conclave to elect the next Bishop of Rome. In one Ballot, Joe himself was nominated. But, history records that Karol Wojtyla was elected and became Pope John Paul II.

Joe took not being elected Pope in stride, after all, how could they have elected a one eyed, one horned, flying purple Papal leader?
 

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.


Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.


He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".


After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"


"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?


"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.


They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"
 

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Had to share this from a fellow Vet

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."

 

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