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Discussion Starter #1
keep them clean. i will start.

The doctor said, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches ... the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, Joe realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought "That's what I need, a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see ... 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 10-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I’ve got you there! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "Look, I’ve been in the business 60 years. You can't wear a size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you a terrible headache."

And that's why you should always get a second opinion.

Lruss
 

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Discussion Starter #4
A Blonde woman comes home from work and sees her husbands has come home early. She walks in the house and hears commotion upstairs. She goes to investigate and finds him doing the neighbor. Furious she goes into the closet where his gun is kept. She puts it to her temple and threatens to do herself in. The Husband freaks out and tells her...... Don't do it, She means nothing I'm sorry! The Blonde looks at him in Disgust while the gun is pointed to her temple and says. Shut up your Next!
Lruss
 

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If you remember the old sailor uniform dress blues "crackerjacks"

Then you know the front flap with 13 buttons is called!

Well if ya don't know it's a Marine Corp Bib.


Hahahah, that almost got me pounded a couple of times.....lol
 

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There were two carrots walking down the street. One was reading the news paper, not paying much attention when a car appears from nowhere and hits the poor carrot sending him sprawling onto the curb. His friend, the other carrot, calls 911. The ambulance quickly arrives, load the carrot into the back and, sirens blaring, rush to the hospital. He immediately goes into the emergency room, then is rushed to emergency surgery. Hours pass. Finally the doctor emerges through the doors. His friend, the other carrot, pleads with the doctor "How is my friend, Will he live, What do I tell his wife, his kids". The doctor quietly answers "Your friend is going to live, but he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

Thank you,
Mr.Smith
 

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Discussion Starter #9
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a
road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand
dune: "One Texas soldier is better than ten Iraqi".

The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men
over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a
few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Texan is better
than one hundred Iraqi."

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100
troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After
10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan voice calls out again: "One Texan is better
than one thousand Iraqi."

The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and
sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns,
grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is
fought....Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back
over the dune and with his dying words tells his
commander, Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There's two of
them."

Lruss
 

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A feller stumbles to the bar and says to the bar tender "I bet you $200 I can piss into that cup 10ft away from right here without spilling a drop". Bar tender takes him up on the bet, so the feller whips it out and starts pissing all over. With a smile the bar tender says "give me my $200". The feller says just a sec and walks over to the pool tables where he collects cash from several other fellers. He gives the bar tender $200 and the bar tender asks what he was doing at the pool tables. The feller explains to the bar tender that he bet the 6 fellers at the pool tables each $100 that he could piss all over the bar and the bar tender would not only not be mad but he would be smiling.

JC
 

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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Dave woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.


I woke up this morning at 8 am, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30 am.
 

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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Dave woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.


I woke up this morning at 8 am, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30 am.
Damn,
 

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Back when census enumerators went door-to-door one of them went to a house and knocked. He exlpained who he was and asked for the man's name and what kind of work he did. He replied "McCoy and I'm a cokesacker."

"A what?"

"A cokesaker. I work at the grocery store and put Cokes in sacks for people when they checkout."

"Oh." He finished the rest of the questions and went to the next house.

"What is your name and what do you do?"

"My name is McCoy and I'm corksoaker."

"Say again?"

"I'm a corksoaker. I work at the winery and we have to soak the corks before we put them in the bottles to make sure they're the proper consistency.

"Right." After finishing the questions he went next door.

"Who are you and what's your job?"

"McCoy, and I'm a socktucker."

"Huh?'

"A socktucker. I work at the clothing plant and tuck socks into the little packages so they can be put on display."

At this point the enumerator is getting fed up. He goes to the next house, pounds on the door and growls "What's your name?!!"

"McCoy"

The enumerator yells "Wait! You're the fourth McCoy I've had in a row. I've had a cokesaker, a corksoaker, and a socktucker. Don't tell me you're one of those!!"

The guy says "Oh, no. I'm the real McCoy."
 

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you guy's are cracking me up!
 
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Dad was cleaning out the gutters and fell off the ladder. Billy ran and told Mom the news. Mom asked, "What did he say?" Billy said, "do you want me to leave out the bad words?" "Of course!" said Mom.

"Nothing, he said nothing."
 

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Son calls home from college and during the call asks, "How is my cat Fluffy?"

Dad replies, "Fluffy fell off the roof and died."

Son, "Wow, that is hard to take. Couldn't you have eased me into the bad news? Couldn't you have said, 'Fluffy is playing on the roof. Then wait a bit and tell me Fluffy fell from the roof and was hurt. Then wait a moment more and say, 'Fluffy is hurt very badly and it doesn't look good. Then tell how the vet says there isn't anything more they can do. And finally that Fluffy has passed?"

Dad, "So sorry, I didn't realize it would be so hard on you."

Son, "Okay so lets move on. So how is Gramma doing?"

Dad, "She is playing on the roof."
 

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I was shaving the other day and I noticed I was getting a pimple on my forehead, a little strange I thought as I am nearly 70 years old. The next day while shaving I thought the bump had gotten bigger. I wondered if I was going through puberty again. Then the next day my wife mentioned it and by golly it was even bigger." You need to see your Dermatologist" she said but I blew it off. Buy the end of the week it had grown out more and I made an appointment.
My Doc did a prolonged examine and finally said,"This condition is so rare I have never seen it before, in fact it is so rare it is hardly taught any more." "Is it cancer I asked? "No" he replied, you are actually growing a second Penis from the middle of your forehead, it truly is a very rare condition."
I said " You mean Doc, every morning when I look in the mirror I will see a second Penis hanging down my forehead?"
"Oh no" he said, you won't see any thing, your balls will be covering your eyes!"
 

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big
bad
wolf crouched behind a log.

"My, what big brown eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up & runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, &
this
time he's crouched behind a bush.

"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again, the wolf jumps up & runs away.

About 2 miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
&
he's crouched behind a rock .

"My, what big white teeth you have, Mr. Wolf ."

With that the wolf jumps up & screams,

"Will you knock it off I'm trying to poop."

Lruss
 
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